It’s the beginning of February, which means I made it through January without losing my mind (though, I think a couple of times I came close). January is the toughest month of the year for me. Every year, the same week, I get severely depressed and my obsessions become a constant problem. Two years ago and one year ago, I ended up back in therapy on the same exact day of the year. My cycle of mood is THAT pedantic. Same day every year, I get virtually suicidal, because the second I have several suicidal thoughts, I rush into therapy. I don’t fuck around. I’ve been to rock bottom before. I’m not going there again.
Anyway, two years ago, at the end of January, is when my really disturbing thoughts occurred. (You can read about this incident in more detail on a previous post.) Last year, at the same time, I was obsessing about breaking up with my awesome boyfriend whom I love. A thought that so very obviously did not align with my desires. It drove me mad for weeks.
And this last week or so, I’ve been trying to beat off obsessions with a stick. I’m becoming more efficient, and I can DEFINITELY function now in a way I couldn’t before (last year, I was sobbing in the bathroom for half of the day – not an exaggeration). Now, I can talk about my obsessions with my significant other and tell him what’s going on. I can work, cry a little in the bathroom if I need to, and move on relatively quickly.
This weekend, I had a tough day. Like, a really bad day. I was on the verge of panic several times. But the operative phrase here is “on the verge.” The day was awful, and I felt terrible shame and guilt (Oh no, anything but shame!). But it didn’t form into full blown panic attacks. My hyper-focus on my feelings and actions fueled my Mean Voice and then I felt guilty for having “bad” thoughts. It was a bad spiral that lasted the entire day.
I bounced back from it, though. My obsessions are still threatening to bug me, I’m hyper-focusing on myself in a way that isn’t productive, and now I can feel the old jealous thoughts starting to threaten the edge of my emotional periphery. My mean voice is more active than it has been previously.
Luckily, I have more tools. I have been seeking reassurance less and less (correct me if I’m wrong), I’ve taken notice that I apologize compulsively regardless of whether or not it’s merited and if it’s already been forgiven, and I’ve been working to try and correct these behaviors on a daily basis. I’m taking vitamin D supplements, and I’ve been using one of those light therapy lamps as often as I can remember. The vitamin D helps immensely.
A year ago, I couldn’t control my head. I was wrought with grief over my obsessions and crying incessantly. And while I do still feel guilt and shame over my obsessions sometimes, I’m learning to forgive myself.
That awful obsession I had two years ago that started all of this? I don’t worry about it anymore. It doesn’t affect me. Fuck you Mean Voice, I’ve forgiven myself for it. Therapy is working. The work I’m doing on a daily basis is converting into long-term growth. I can see my growth week over week, month over month, and year over year. Yes, sometimes, it gets a hold of me and I get tired. I am tired of dealing with this bullshit. But I am not my obsessions anymore. I can feel myself splitting off and moving away from being a part of the Mean Voice. It is isolated in my emotional being and tucked away in a corner for now while I try to deal with it. And forgive myself for it being a part of me.
Hopefully, this time next year, I won’t have any obsessions at all.